“I say my prayers, I read a book of devotion, I prepare for, or receive, the Sacrament. But while I do these things, there is, so to speak, a voice inside me that urges caution. It tells me to be careful, to keep my head, not to go too far, not to burn my boats. I come into the presence of God with a great fear lest anything should happen to me within that presence which will prove too intolerably inconvenient when I have come out again into my “ordinary” life. I don’t want to be carried away into any resolution which I shall afterwards regret. For I know I shall be feeling quite different after breakfast. I don’t want anything to happen to me at the altar which will run up too big a bill to pay then.” (A Slip of the Tongue, The Weight of Glory And Other Addresses, C.S. Lewis)
Here Lewis satirically and sarcastically lays out the push and pull of relational dependence which complicates the Christian’s surrender.
Is this you?